Max's Miscellaneous Musings

So, it's been a while since I've posted a Max's Guide To Cycling For N00bs. So here is part 4, a discussion of cycling apparel. Today's MGTCFN discusses cycling shorts.

In my lifetime, I've cycled in many forms of clothing. As a kid, I wore whatever happened to be the clothing du jour. School day? I'm wearing my school uniform. Just finished a soccer match? I'm wearing my team colours, complete with studded shoes. Lazing around the house? I'm wearing my daggiest. As a kid, it never seemed to matter what I was wearing. So long as I was on my bike, I was happy.

As an adult, it's another story. At first, I couldn't bear to be seen in lycra. I mean, that's what cyclists wear, isn't it? The thought of horrifying the world with my overweight body jammed into tight shorts was just too much to contemplate. So I wore regular clothes. Sports shorts and T-shirts, that sort of thing. The problem with this, however, is that an exercising adult tends to sweat. Regular T-shirts become saturated, and wet cotton rubbing against skin can be very unpleasant. Multiply this by infinity when referring to shorts. There is also the matter of bum pain (courtesy of a hard seat coupled with a bum that's not used to it).

Cycling clothing (also sometimes referred to as "technical clothing") is designed for a specific purpose - to make riding more comfortable.

Knicks (aka bike shorts) are typically made from lycra, and contain padding in the bum and crotch area. There are merits to wearing regular lycra knicks (cycling lingo for "we don't just call shorts shorts, OK?"). Their skin-tight attributes prevent chafing caused by the rubbing of your legs against the seat, top tube, or even each other. Should you happen to come off your bike, the lycra will help a) keep your skin together and b) protect against road/gravel rash. Prices can range from $20 to over $200. So what's the difference?

Cheap knicks are usually made of two or four panels of fabric. This generally means that they conform less to your own body shape and more to whatever shape they want to take. This also means the material does not support your skin or muscles properly, reducing the overall effectiveness of the shorts. They are also more likely to cause chafing. More expensive knicks generally contain 8 panels of material, improving their conformance to your body shape. This results in higher comfort levels. Some people will have no problem with knicks on the cheaper end of the scale. Some people will find they are more comfortable in more expensive knicks. It is a personal choice and should be dictated by comfort.

Another important component of knicks is, of course, the chamois (cycling lingo for "bum padding"). Predictably, cheaper knicks will contain a thin chamois. This padding is often quite generic in shape - it will go from ace to base and that's it. More expensive knicks contain somewhat thicker padding. Importantly, more padding does not necessarily mean more comfort. Too much padding will have you feeling like you're wearing these:

You'll find that more expensive knicks contained layered/tapered chamois - meaning that there is more than one layer; it's thinner near the leg area than the bum area; and that it is shaped to conform to the body's shape. Also, it will be made of high-tech material that resists.. how shall I put this.. bacterial buildup. Nobody wants to ride in stinky knicks.

Gentlemen: Lycra can be somewhat.. revealing. There is nothing worse than seeing some bloke walking around with the family jewels on display. Trust me, I've been to enough mass cycling events to know that there are some things that do not need to be put "out there". I've also seen enough examples of gentlemen in lycra to know that there is such a thing as cycling knicks that do not reveal you to the world. Modesty is key. You do NOT want to be these guys:

There is a downside to lycra knicks (as if the above example wasn't enough). For the larger crowd, there is something you need to know: Cycling clothing is designed for people built like rakes. Even XXXL in mens' sizes will barely fit a size 18-20 woman. So what's a regular punter to do, if they don't want to look like a walrus vacuum-packed into Lance Armstrong's undies? Nobody wants to be this guy:

I'm pleased to report that the cycling world has realised that not all its members are fans of lycra. Let me introduce you to the Shy Short:

Shy shorts look like regular shorts. They are sometimes also referred to as mountain bike shorts. They are usually knee length but also come in shorter and longer varieties. To the untrained eye, they have the appearance of looking like regular baggy shorts. But deep within, they contain a chamois and an inner liner with elasticised grippers (so they don't ride up). They also have the added benefit of featuring pockets and other such conveniences.

Shy shorts come in many shapes and sizes:

If you can't find shorts you like, you can even buy undershorts that can be worn under any regular shorts:

Having been the victim of cheap shy shorts, I'll tell you what to look out for. First of all, you want the inner short to contain gripper on the ends of the legs (ironically, I don't know the technical term for leg-ends. Maybe it's "leg ends".). This will prevent the inner from riding up and wadding up around your thighs. Secondly, you'll want the pockets to zip up. Otherwise your keys, mobile phone, wallet and other precious valuables will fall out en route, leaving you unable to get into your house, unable to call the locksmith and unable to pay the locksmith (having used your neighbour's phone to call him in). You'll wind up sitting on the front step with your bike and dog keeping you company, waiting for your other half to get home to let you in. Too bad if you're single. You'll be camping out until you find your keys, wallet and phone. Finally, get shorts made of a material you like. Some shorts are very "rough" in that they're intended for actual mountain biking. Their emphasis is on durability. Other shorts are made of softer material that is designed to look good both on and off the bike. The choice is yours.

The next MGTCFN will discuss jerseys and shoes. After that, I'll write about something close to my heart. ACTUALLY RIDING!!!!!